EPISODE 1: Sidetracked on the way to the Racetrack

"The Rumble Rally" is about to begin!

Anticipation grips the competitors before the start of the long awaited Rumble Rally, a competition in which entrants must complete a specified course to claim a guaranteed fabulous prize.

This episode begins as we follow the fate of four independent entrants as they prepare to join the start of the race at the track. But these are no ordinary competitors, for not only do they each have a deep-seated desire to win, they also lack even an ounce of sportsmanship-like behaviour! Each is driven to win for personal reasons and, no doubt, the desire to claim the marvelous award. With the wave of the starting flag only a matter of hours away, our entrants are on their way to the starting line, plotting and planning their winning strategy as they go.

Here we see Lady Lavinia Kydd-Leatherette cruising along in her modified Model A and casually contemplating the roll of the loaded dice that made up her mind to take part in this race. Lady L. is just back from Vegas where she pitched her latest idea for a themed casino, Miss Katie's Tassel Parlour , to Caesar "the squeezer" Cornetto. Unfortunately the Mob didn't like idea of competition from some "Euro-dame." and Lady L. was personally escorted from the city. But not before she had a go at breaking the bank at Squeezer's Palace (bar, casino and strip club) by betting on black when she should have bet on red, her lucky colour. Now Lady L. has a slight cash flow problem, and she thinks the prize would come in handy.   But first she'd like to stop off at a convenient bookmaker on the way to the race so she can place a bet on herself to win. Then it's off to Harvey Nick's to pick up some lippy to match her new driving outfit and a bottle of chilled Bolly - oh yes, and a particularly sharp knife to damage a few tyres with!

In another part of the country Miss Kitten Caboodle wastes no time as she puts the pedal to the metal in her cute little 1960's Austin Healey, which was a bonus from her last job fixing races at Goodwood by using her feminine charms to infiltrate the exclusive Driver's Private Bar in the V.I.P. Club House.   Knowing full well how fab she looks behind its wheel, she stealthily speeds down the motorway with a John Barry film soundtrack collection blaring out of the music system. There's a glint of determination in Kitten's keen eye; she's on a mission and must not fail. Her employer, that infamous villain The Hooded Claw, has promised her some sort of "immortality treatment" if she succeeds in her mission. Alarmingly, Kitten is down to the last of her nine lives, so she'll stop at nothing to fulfill these orders in hopes of regaining her former livelihood. Poor Kitten - so many entrants to sabotage and so little time before the race! She's curious why H.C. wants these particular entrants put out of commission. She guesses she'll just have to resort to good ol' fashioned treachery to complete her task and claim her prize. Let's hope she does before curiosity gets the better of this Kitten!

Meanwhile, enjoying the rhythmic thump of the engine and car-alarm-triggering roar of her bike's goldie exhaust, Pandora Pitstop hums to herself a gleeful little tune to match her mood -

     If you've got to do something underhanded and sneaky
     If you're going to do something outrageous and freaky /
     Be sure you do it in style!
     If you're about to do something nasty and against the law /
     If you're doing something wicked and worthy of "The Claw"/
     Do it swiftly and with style /  
     Tra la la!

Ms.Pitstop casts her mind back to the time when she and this strange chap Aubrey broke out of Arkham and went on the run. They stumbled upon a bank raid in progress with a motorcycle and sidecar outfit left running as a getaway vehicle. Just as the robber came out of the bank with the cash, Aubrey pushed the rider off the bike as Pitstop tripped up the one with the swag, and off they rode, hell-bent for leather! They celebrated their first felony with a drink at The Ace - where better to hide a bike than with other bikes? Unfortunately for Pitstop, Aubrey's alter ego Count Backwards made a showing and loosened the bolts for the side car. She found herself parting his company on the North Circular, skidding onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately for Count B, Pitstop swapped most of the cash for bits of newspaper.   She smiles and sighs at the memory and looks forward to the beginning of a new devious adventure.

Elsewhere, after several attempts to shift out of reverse, Count Backwards manages to get his super-charged jalopy out of his secret workshop (it's no secret, it's The Duchess of Dust somewhere in West London). Muttering and grumbling, he tears off down the road, frightening animals and small children.   Predictably, Count B. has gone the wrong way as he has written the instructions on how to get to the track in reverse order on the back of a shopping list. Time wasting is most definitely frowned upon according to Count B.'s standards, so he swings his 1922 jalopy in a broad squealing u-turn, forcing a moped into a ditch and spraying a few pedestrians with loose gravel. When Count Backward is on the road all competitors - and spectators for that matter - should be considered "at hazard"!   Speaking of hazards, that shopping list Count B. has clenched between his teeth details several food stuffs (is alcohol considered a "food stuff"?) and a variety of items usually found in the Jane's Ammunition Handbook and Field Guide . The laser-sighted, heat-seeking, armour-piercing, pearl-handled Saturday Night Special with comfort grip may be hard to come by. So is it any wonder Count B. is in a bad mood?   But then again, when is he not?   He's just started Theda Bara's 12-Step Laudanum Detox Diet as well.

"I picked a bad day to give up laudanum!" growls Count B., spitting out bits of paper while searching the glove compartment for his hip flask.

Gnashing his teeth, he grips the wheel with white-knuckled intensity, then shouts, "I'll get you Lady Lavinia and that spying little Cat too!"

Will our corrupt competitors make it to the track on time?   Stay tuned for the next installment of "The Rumble Rally!"